Why do we expect so much from those around us? Our spouse, children, polaticians, volleyball coaches, parents siblings etc... Why are we so prone to be upset or dissapointed when expectations are not met? Why do we allow unmet expectations to scar us all our lives? I forgave most of the wrongs, injustices, mistakes and unmet expectations from my childhood and early adulthood when I was introduced to Jesus several years ago. I figured if I can be forgiven for the wrongs Ive done, than I can forgive also. I lumped all those wrongs into one big pile and forgave them, without sorting through them first. Sooo the result is that I dont cary aroud all that hurt, anger and dissapointment, however, whenever I visit those things in my mind, I realise That because I never realy gave each thing propper attention I was not able to TOTALY get past it all, allowing some things to still govern my thoughts or behaviors. An example... I have unrealistic expectations of my husband to be an attentive, understanding, compassionate father who has talks with our girls when they struggle with things and never loses his cool... (i understand these things could be ideal for some dads, but my husband also had no father showing him how to do it, u know, no one was an example for him). I desire this because its what I wish I would have had. I feel like a lot of the struggles I had directly stemed from my lack of a father caring. I know my dad cares, but not more than he cared about himself, which is such a big problem for people i am finding...including me.. even my good things are selfish... I try so hard to be a good mother and everything so that I wont fail @ motherhood wich is the biggest part of me, I think. I mean not everything is selfish, ultimately I want them to be successful, happy people with good decision making skill, understanding and compassionate attitudes toward others. I want that for them, realy, but I want it fgor me too.
Any way I have gotten slightly off course... I want to touch on siblings here. Between my mom and dad I am one of 12 children. Most of my siblings I barely know. We all live in different states and we are lucky to talk a few times a year. I always payed a lot of attention to our parents in relation to us concerning failures and unmet needs, but just recently am seeing where I had choices to make even as a child, and I chose to be a bad sister. I didnt even think of the damage that could be done from what I concidered sibling rivalry. In so many ways I was the victem, but because I got it so much from my older brother, I guess i felt I had to give it to my sister and she was not able to shake it off... she had a hard childhood and my mom realy wasnt close to her when she started living with us full time and I did not make her transition easy and I didnt even realise how much that has affected her and stayed with her over the years. I know that I was just a kid so I cant let this revelation rule me, but I am realy sorry for this and I want to double my efforts to teach my kids how important it is to be nice to each other and to think of each others feelings. I am not trying to pass the buck, but none of us kids had a good example for how to treat each other and I cant dwell on it, all I can do is know what I did, apologise for it, try to make it right and hope the same thing does not happen with my girls.

There will be so much more of this later, but I must realy go now... Know how others feel as often as you can, it teaches you and helps you grow!